A Half-Assed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Joke

Let's just say it. We're losing the Iraq war.

Now, I'm not saying that having lunch with Jenna Jameson is going to turn things around. I'm not retarded.

But when you make a big deal about not wanting to hang out with the world's most famous porno chick, you do come off as a little fruity. And that can't possibly help.

(via Defamer.)

In: jenna jameson, marines

Worst Rap Names - 'Young' Edition

I've often wondered what one does in this situation. I like how Young Buck is pretty sanguine about the whole thing. I'd have expected him to stab somebody.

Just to make this post not totally lame, here's a link to a funny joke about Lil Bow Wow.

In: worst rap names

More Worst Rap Names Ever

I'm thinking of putting it down on wax for all you suckas in the '06.

Look for it in stores soon:
'Who Stole The Seoul?' by Kim Jong Ill.

In: worst rap names

How Not To Win Firends And Influence People

You know how douchey guys at your office (who are usually in sales) will sometimes trot out the old "you know what they say about people who assume - it makes an ass out of [yo]u and me"?

The correct response is not, "Yeah, well, that saying only makes an ass out of you."

In: career advice, douchebags

The INS Is Treat[ing Him] Like A Prostitute

The battle against illegal immigration continues.

One down, 11,999,999 to go.

In: slick rick

How To Confuse A Cocktail Waitress

I love Iron City beer. As domestic lagers go, it is one of the best.

It is, however, not the same as Steel Reserve, contrary to my repeated insistence last evening.

I should probably just stick to King Cobra.

In: beer

Has Anyone Ever Made It Through All 30 Minutes Of '30 Minute Meals'?

Rachael Ray is opening a restaurant.

I would imagine that the uniforms will come from Lane Bryant and that you'll be grinding your teeth at the annoying perkiness within seconds of walking through the door.

Pretty much a Hooters with fat chicks who bug the shit out of you. And don't have any hooters.

In: rachael ray

Etiquette Lesson: Ghost Of A Great Empire Edition

Dear Club Sandwich:
Is it in bad taste to order an 'Irish car bomb' at a British pub?
Sincerely,
Made Up Letter Writer

Dear MULW,
No way, dude. Fuck 'em.
Love,
The Club Sandwich

In: terrorism, england, ireland

We're Super-Busy Today. Please Forgive This Half-Assed Joke

Really, we don't pay our bills writing gags for you slobs. It's a kindness. We'll be back to the usual high level of comedy tomorrow.

Here's a headline that reads, "Nicole Kidman Leaves House While Husband Dries Out."

You'd think that he could have saved a few bucks by skipping his stay at Promises and staying home.

After all, if there's anyone who knows about being dried out it's Nicole Kidman.

In: nicole kidman, keith urban

A Three Day Old Joke

The Club Sandwich is a huge fan of Mike Tyson. Or, I was until Friday's pay-per-view.

A four round exhibition where your opponent wears headgear and you both wear t-shirts? Pulling punches?

Horrible.

Now I know how Desiree Washington felt.

In: mike tyson, rape

This Is What Happnes When You Hire Amanda Peet As Your Network President

'Studio 60' airs on Mondays and is a show about a comedy sketch show that's on Saturday night. It features a character who is a Christian; you know that because every scene starts with her saying, "As a Christian, I... ." Also, Sting played a lute. Somehow, it's not doing very well in the ratings.

NBC, in it's infinite wisdom, has decided to shelf it for one night and to fill the timeslot with 'Friday Night Lights' - a show about football. That's what the Monday night TV landscape has been missing all these years. Football. On Monday nights.

Genius.

In: Studio 60, Firday Night Lights, Monday Night Football

Year-To-Date Death Tally For 2006

Stingrays: 2
Osama bin Laden: 0

Advantage: Stingrays.

In: stingrays

The Club Sandwich Needs A Copyright Attorney

I was just on the verge of making my millions selling bumperstickers at Nazi biker rallies.

I had this super good idea for one that reads, "My boss is an Austrian painter."

It runs out, though, that there's a shitload of prior art. I knew I wasn't that clever.

I opted not to click through to any of those search results because my place of employ might be aligned with ZOG, but the two winners from the synopses are:
"I doubted it was a reference to Gustav Klimt" and
"It's not directly racist is it? But is does promote my aryan beliefs against..."

The first is funny because it is, and the second is funny because it's a person looking to for assurance that he isn't racist (which he clearly is) on aryan-nations.org.

In: nazis

A Rapper And A Trailblazer Involved In A Shooting? I'm Amazed It Hasn't Happened Sooner

Now we're not saying Sebastion Telfair had anything to do with it, but if there's a crime committed and a Blazer (former or otherwise) is within 10 miles, you know you've got to look at him. It's just good police-work.

In: fabolous, sebastian telfair, trailblazers

Which Is Grosser:

Rob Stewart fucking Paris Hilton or The Crypt Keeper fucking a giant pile of AIDS?

In: rod stewart, paris hilton

They'll Only Call Eminem A Cracker Twice A Month

Dave Mays and Benzino will release 'Hip Hop Weekly' once every two weeks.

[Insert CPT joke here.]

In: dave mays, benzino, hip hop weekly

Like Christo But Cool (And With A Clown)

This is the newest Sony Bravia ad. It follows this one.

Enjoy!

In: bravia, paint

Sadly, This May End Up Being My Greatest Accomplishment*

I am a runner-up in today's Overheard In New York headline contest.

*I can also chug a beer in under 4 seconds.

In: overheard in new york

Club Sandwich Mixology

I invented a new drink.

It's called the Jack Nicholson.

It's Jack and nickels, son!

In: drink recipe

The 'Straight Edge' Tattoo Above It Removes Any Plausible Excuse For This Atrocity

The Counting Crows are stalking me.

Here's the proof.

Yesterday, I watched an episode of 'Homicide' that featured a Counting Crows song.

This morning, Howard Stern used 'Mr. Jones' as bumper music.

Then, I was reading Best Week Ever, and I found this gem:

In: counting crows, morons, horrible music

Black Babies Are The New Black

Madonna is adopting an African kid.

In a Club Sandwich exclusive, we have the first pics:

n: madonna, blacks

English People Rapping Is Like A Dog Walking On Its Hind Legs

Here's the new Lady Sovereign video / single.

She could be the white Eminem.

In: lady sovereign

BREAKING: Plane Crashes Into NY Building

It looks like a plane crashed into a building in Manhattan approximately 2 hours ago.

Given that it was an upper east-side apratment building, my guess is that Al Queda decided to kill all the Jews one at a time.

(If this turns out to be an actual terrorist attack I will feel horrible. If.)

In: terrorism, jews, plane crash

Cru Is Rad

There may be nothing sadder than a grown person riding a BMX bike.

If there is, it'd be the grown person I saw yesterday riding a BMX bike while wearing a helmet and riding a wheelie for, like, 100 yards.

Way to go, sport. Have yourself a Capri Sun when you get home. You earned it.

In: BMX

Expat Thuggin'

There's this girl in my building who is pretty blatantly trying to fuck one of our concierges. She hangs on the front desk almost daily, giggles at everything he says, etc..

He had a copy of French Vogue for men ('Vogue Hommes') that he was flipping through in his spare time. He's French, so that's appropriate enough, I suppose.

She asked him what he was reading, and he showed her. She asked, "What is that? 'Vogue Homies'?"

I don't know about you, but my crew rolls deep up in the Champs Elysees.

In: vogue hommes, retards

George Romero And George M Cohan Need To Chime In On This

Last week's First Thursday artstravaganza (for people who don't give a shit about art) featured, on one side of my building, a barbershop quartet and, on the other, a zombie flash mob.

Here's a story problem based on that scenario:
Say you're confronted by a barbershop quartet and a zombie flash mob, but you only have one bullet. Who do you shoot?

Yourself, obviously.

In: first thursday, barbershop quartet, zombies

Also, In A Camry? What The Hell?

Jadakiss (one of the best and most under-rated rappers today, in my opinion) was arrested for marijuana and weapons possession this morning.

The obvious question is why (ft. Anthony Hamilton)?

In: jadakiss

Chemo Couldn't Hurt His Look Any

Travis Barker of Blink-182 "fame" has a tumor on his arm.

See if you can spot it:In: travis barker

Car Accidents Are The New Getting Shot

It looks like we can blame Kanye for another new trend.

Admittedly, it's not as bad as popped collars.

In: kanye west, cassidy

My Communications Professor Can Kick Your Communications Professor's Ass

I'm sure most states have a similar thing: two state colleges that are bitter rivals for no readily apparent reason other than the need for a rivalry.

In Oregon, we have OSU and UO, for example.

UO alumns will buy a green car and have yellow trim added just to show their allegiance to a school they graduated from 10 years ago and have only blurry, boozy memories of. You can almost hear "Glory Days" playing from their stereos.

Every year we have to live through a month of hype in the lead-up to the 'civil war' game between to two football teams. I think they play it so that OSU will stop having slaves.

It all (as you have probably guessed) is pretty tiring, so let me do all of you aging jocks a favor. Both of your schools are super cool. In fact, all school is awesome.

Fucking nerds.

In: osu, uo, college, jocks

Sartorial Advice: Business Casual Edition

This is copied directly from an email that just went out to everyone in my office, and I think it speaks for itself:

Although we allow casual dress in the office it is still a place of business and you are required to wear shoes. So please refrain from removing your socks and shoes while at work.

In: pigs

Oddly, This List Was In 'Ms.', Not In 'Black Book'

A bunch of women signed their names to a list of women who have had abortions. The list will be the cover story in the next issue of 'Ms.' magazine.

This list can be thought of as a collection of individuals who have the courage to stand up for their principals and assume potential risk to themselves in order to inform the debate on this sensative topic.

Alternatatively, it could be called 'the dating pool'.

In: abortion

Or Blowjobs, I Guess

I went to East for the first time in a long time last night.

They have promotional postcard on the tables now with event listings (provided you allow the word 'event' to include DJ sets) and a list of features that make the place extra cool. Which seems odd considering you're already there by that point.

Anyway, one of the features they tout is "great bathrooms."

It's true and all - they're huge and pretty cool. I just wonder what they are great for. It seems like having a really convinient place for 6 people to do bumps at once isn't the greatest marketing strategy.

Then again...

In: east chinatown lounge, cocaine

Less Artsy, More Fartsy

We don't usually promote things (mainly becuase everything sucks!), but tonight there's an art opening you should check out.

Faile at Upper Playground.

In: art, faile, upperplayground

A Video Of A Guy Putting On Shirts

155 of them, to be exact.

Here's my list of wonderment:

1. Notice how many are women's (princess, mama, etc.) shirts.
2. There's such a thing as size 10XL.
3. How great is it that the last shirt is a Big Dog shirt?

In: shirts

The Club Sandwich Build Your Own Joke Bar

You know those places where soccer moms go to point at ingredients and then get to pretend they cooked something?

This post is sort of like that except with jokes.

Jim McGreevey, former closet case and governor of the dirty Jers, has a new book out called 'The Confession'.

In order to make the (inevitable) musical adaptation you will need a copy of the lyrics to 'Confessions Part 2' by Usher. I'll wait while you go get that fron your peechee.

Now, to make the McGreevey version, just replace 'chick', 'girl', etc. with 'dude'. Then, replace any reference to pregnancy with 'blackmail me with the threat of outting'.

Rinse and repeat.

In: mcgreevey, usher, gays

OK, You Come Up With A Joke About This And Try To Keep 'Punk'd' Out Of Play

Much has been and will be made of the fact that the top two movies this weekend had Ashton Kutcher in them.

Apparently we need some mindless escapism after spending the previous weekend contemplating the societal and cultural implications of farting in a jar.

Also, is it any wonder Osama bin Laden wants us punk'd so bad?

In: ashton kutcher, jackass 2, douchebags

All Of This Makes Nancy Pelosi = Wonder Woman, And I'm Not Sure I'm Cool With That

Between the racist, the homosexual pederast (a little too much Log Cabin in his Republicanism, I guess), and the general climate of obfuscation and deceit it looks like the Republicans are roughly one Sinestro away from being the Legion of Doom.

In: racism, gays, nerds

Why Do I Suspect That These Guys Aren't Cruising For Honeys?

At least they're playing safe.

In: gays