I Hope You Aren't Too Attached To Your Mind, Because It's About To Get Bombed

I've talked about Mind Bomb Tattoo before.

In that posted, I mentioned that the best possible tattoo is Taz dressed as a Kriss Kross-era gangsta and smoking a blunt.

Well, that needs some updating. The other day I saw a t-shirt that was exactly that, but instead of Taz it was Spongebob.

I think Mind Bomb is open right now, but you might want to hurry and beat the rush.

In: tattoos, mind bomb

Movie Review: Hard Candy

I really need to find out who told me this was a movie to see. I need to make sure I never talk to that person again.

About 20 minutes in I thought, "OK, so this is like 'Death and the Maiden' if it had been directed by Larry Clark."

1) Nothing that happens for the remaining 85 minutes to make me think otherwise.
2) The chick in the movie actually makes a Roman Polanksi reference at one point. Ugh.

Anyone who calls this movie 'Hitchcockian' is probably an asshole and has definitely never seen a Hitchcock movie. Or even a Brian DePalma movie, for that matter.

I don't want to give anything away, but at the end of the movie I was the one who felt molested. Right in the fucking ass.

In: hard candy

Club Sandwich Mixology: New Year's Eve Edition

Happy New Year!

In honor of the celebration, I've invented a new drink!

It's called the Tie Tack.

It's zweiback with a Rye back.

In: drink recipes

Oddly, 'American History X' Was Also On

Here's a quandary:

Suppose 'Jungle Fever' and 'King Kong' start at the same time on adjacent channels.

Which do you watch given that there more or less the same movie?

In: movies, racism

Movie Review: A Porno I Just Made Up

I know I've been doing this movie review thing to death lately, but I'm busy, and I can pretty much phone them in.

Anyway, today's is a porno that doesn't actually exist (that I know of) but that should.

'Butt Love, Actually'.

I can't wait to see it.

In: porn

Movie Review: Lady In The Water

Spoiler alert: this movie is the surprise ending of M. Night Shyamalan's career.

Seriously - can someone tell me what this move was even about? What a train wreck.

Also, I think hellhounds are usually scarier if they aren't made of mulch.

In: lady in the water

'Time' Picks Person Of The Year

Could they have chosen a more gigantic twat, please?

In: person of the year

Movie Review: The Pursuit Of Happyness* [sic]

So, wait, now parents do understand?

*I have not seen this stupid movie.

In: the pursuit of happyness

Movie Reviews: Guess What I Watched This Weekend

'Miami Vice' makes 'Final Destination 3' look like 'The Godfather 2'.

Seriously, Michael Mann never tells a 90 minute story in under 2 hours, fifteen minutes.

I'm going to buy a DVD player that edits out scenes lit by blue neon. Maybe then we can get his movies down to a manageable length.

In: miami vice, final destination 3, michael mann

A Very Club Sandwich Christmas

(This is semi-serious. I can't be a dick all the time. Although I am at the end, so read on.)

If you're wondering what to get us for Christmas this year, we suggest that you make a donation to these fine folks.

Outside In offers services to homeless youth in Portland, and definitely makes this city a better place on a daily basis. They're fighting the good fight at ground-zero, and they need all the help they can get, I'm sure.

Also, when you see those kids' faces light up at the needle exchange on Christmas morning it's like magic.

In: outside in

Now Nixon Will Have Someone To Talk To In Hell

Augusto Pinochet died over the weekend.

His funeral service will be a traditional Chilean ceremony - he'll be tied up with his head in a burlap sack, and his corpse will be tossed out of a helicopter.

In: pinochet

She's A Damned Sight Better Looking Than Tasha Yar, Anyway

Q: Does the discovery that Beyonce is a Klingon make her hotter?

A: Yes, it does.

In: beyonce, star trek

Movie Review: Superman Returns

Enough with the fucking seaplane already.

In: superman returns

See How Long It Takes You To See Where I'm Going With This One

Did you hear about George Clooney's pet pig dying?

Did you also read part where they talked about how they slept together and immediately assumed that they were talking about Renee Zellweger?

In: george clooney, renee zellweger

Club Sandwich Public Service Annoucement: Hate The Player, Not The (Video) Game

Under no circumstances should Young Jeezy be allowed to use your Nintendo Wii.

In: nintendo wii, young jeezy

How Come MC Serch Doesn't Have The Same Rights As Everyone Else

I heard a thing on the radio (no citation - I'm too lazy) about some cops pulling a black guy over for speeding and saying that he could go free if he would demonstrate that he knew how to rap.

As a caucasian, I am sick of this kind of bullshit persecution.

I mean, what if it had been me? I'm reasonably sure they wouldn't have given me this race-based opportunity to skate on a ticket.

Facists.

In: racism

Movie Review Double Feature: 'Rising Sun' and 'Waist Deep'

Rising Sun:
Man, I forgot what racist shit 'Rising Sun' is. Man, that is some racist shit. That movie should have been called 'Me Chinese, Me Play Joke'.

Also, is there anyone blacker than Wesley Snipes? I don't think so!

Waist Deep:
I stand corrected. Tyrese is more black than Welsey Snipes.

In: movies, japanese, blacks

Sartorial Advice: Also, Unless You Are A Gladiator (And You Aren't) Sandals Are Not OK. Ever.

It's December, and you are a white man in your mid-forties.

Please understand that what you wear should have little to do with your comfort and everything to do with mine. That's only fair considering we prefer woman to be waxed and to wear heels.

Also, your legs have not been exposed to the sun for 3.5 months. I think you see where I'm going with this.

It's one thing if you're jogging or otherwise engaged in a physical activity. It's entirely another when you're waiting for your table at P.F. Chang's.

Wearing shorts at your age and at this time of year basically says, "I got married so I'd have someone to pick out my jammies for me."

In: fashion, common sense

It's Better Than Columbus Day, I Guess

Happy World AIDS Day, everyone!

I'm going to party like it's AIDS's birthday!

In: AIDS